They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
