oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I would ride that face into the sunset
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
