So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
