Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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