How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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