taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
