he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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