I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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