Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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