I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
