Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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