So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
