No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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