my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I wish you could order shots online.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
