there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
