So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
