I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
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Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
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It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.