Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life