I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
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he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
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I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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