Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
