maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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