when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
