New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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