I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
