Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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