why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
