chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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