My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
