that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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