Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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