I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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