No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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