mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
