How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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