Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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