Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
