It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
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Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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