I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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