I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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