There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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