textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
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