I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
