the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
