when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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