Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
