i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
