she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
