I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Sorry my hands just texted you
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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