She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
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We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
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You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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