I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
"it" just moved
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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