I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
what is it with giant penises always finding me
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
