I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
