Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
