if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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