The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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