My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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